I’m terrified. I hate this feeling.

I’m normally a confident person, and this vulnerable feeling sucks. I’m sort of cautiously confident, usually. I’m not even sure if that’s possible, but I think that’s the best description.

I don’t like being at the mercy of others. I don’t like to depend on the whim of someone else, and largely being employed is just that: at the mercy of someone else to make it work. I didn’t like having lab partners in school because they almost never held up their end of the deal. I think that carries over to my professional life. I tend to overwork myself because I don’t really trust anyone else to get it done. Ultimately, as long as I don’t sign my own paycheck, I’ve got that lab partner who might or might not show up with their half of the solar system.

I’m rambling, and I should go read and get some sleep, but I don’t know if I can sleep with this uneasy feeling.

I have trust issues. This much is clear.